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In a bygone era I could offend you by showing a picture of a woman’s calf; by advocating certain civil rights, or by saying that God is an illusion. I suppose these things may still offend some from the backwards and more divinely sheltered portions of America and abroad, but I find these people subhuman and unworthy of being fretted over. Is that offensive? What is offensive?

 I am forced by modernity to define offensiveness as “conceptually anything”. This definition is about as strong as the reasoning of mothers across the world who replay to their children’s’ question of “Why?” with “Because”. Yet, I can’t do much better. Today’s culture of inclusion has rapidly expanded the pool of potential hot button issues to an oceanic scale. In recent memory, peanut butter and jelly has been branded a racist food, white t-shorts, once the bastion of rich and poor alike, have been used for racial profiling and men have been lectured for the simple human gesture of holding the door for a woman. 

 I’d left myself a note to discuss those further but I feel their ridiculousness should just simmer in your mind like a fine gumbo. Unless you find that offensive at which point pick a sterile simmering food and associate your thoughts with that.

 Offensiveness is tied into personal experience. Of course there are some great societal offenses which require discourse but each first functions on a personal level before ballooning through society’s combined gasps. There will be attackers and defenders and those in the middle pulled to a side by their peers.

 

Since cataloguing every conceivable offensive things is impossible it is best to get to the root of the matter.

What is it to be offended?

 

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Ah the internet – the unfeeling overlord of the modern world. It’s basically Skynet from Terminator except instead of crafting killer robots with Arnold Schwarzanegger skins  it placates us with porn and memes with the endgame of showing us ads – America wins.

 

For as much as we rely on the internet few know how it actually functions – is it a series of tubes? An intricate system of wires connected to server racks exchanging ones and zeroes for our benefit? Or the crazed thoughts of a sentient dolphin? No one can say for sure but one thing is true – humans use the internet and they use it a lot. I refuse to do any research whatsoever for this column so there will be no specific figure about how much we use it but feel free to google that at your leisure.

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On Alcoholism and Fear

I am not sure if I am/was an alcoholic. I use am/was because I recently accompanied a friend to an AA meeting and members there took the stance that once one had been an alcoholic they were symbolically branded for life. I’m not sure how much credence I give that idea because while I played soccer in high school I am no longer a soccer player, and while I used to drink heavily I feel that when I cease to drink I should no longer be branded as such. If I was an alcoholic and therefore remain one in sobriety, it seems that drinking alcohol isn’t a necessary part of the equation, and that even before I ever took a first drink I was an alcoholic. Which means that I could be many of things I’ve never tried, a heroin addict, the world greatest marathoner or the first human to achieve flight. I keep returning to the question of whether or not I am/was an alcoholic because there really is no definition of alcoholism.

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On Sexually Aggressive Females: Tales of a Cat in Heat

R oughly once every two months I have to deal with a cat in heat. By “deal with”, I don’t mean simply ignore the cat -that is impossible. I more or less try to stifle my murderous impulses as best I can, try not to trip on it as it presents under my feet and drag it off of my cat whenever the little monster tries to fuck her. Yes my cat is a lady cat.

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On The Sudden Impulse to Quit Your Job

Jobs are one of the necessary evils of the modern world – like wearing pants or the feeling I get when I learn that the pop up ads with hot singles in my area who want to fuck me are scams. Why don’t hot singles in my area want to fuck me? I thought you loved me Candy23675! Come back.

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On Gaybysitters

R ecently, I’ve seen a trend in noble internet humorists. These intrepid jokesters frequently enjoy mocking Christian tweets and status messages. Thanks for doing the good work boys. If Christians hate science so much they shouldn’t be allowed to bask in its thick warm internetty glow. They should, in fact, be forced to stay low tech, and only use books, tablets and papyrus to communicate. It’s what Jesus would do. For further details of what Jesus would do, please send messages by royal courier or carrier pigeon. I will not accept anything unstamped by wax seal or written by anything but quail feather. Don’t use falcon, I can tell the difference.

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On Religious Art

I went to an art museum today. Yes, I am more cultured than you. No I did not wear my monocle. Yes I have a monocle. Yes I chuckled to myself at people using large words to describe boring paintings to impress their companions. Listening to people talk about art, especially on dates, is the funniest thing on earth and is a just reward for skulking the dim halls of art galleries.

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On Fuck Holidays

Fuck Holidays is a crass term, but at least it’s accurate. When faced with a choice between a diluted, inoffensive term and a more accurate one I always go with the accuracy. Someone may be offended at the language, but attempting to reach into the mind of every citizen of Earth and pre-scouring my words to suit is a monumental task of which only I, and Steve Carrell are capable.

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On Firsts

“This”. This is the first word of this essay. It’s a fact, but not an entirely exciting one. Yet the first word of the essay and so many other firsts are virtually meaningless while others take on great importance.  I’m sure you’re thinking of some – a first kiss, the first time you had sex, or maybe negatives – your first breakup or your first experience with death. What makes firsts so intriguing? Or are they worth carrying about at all?

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